Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Last night was the darkest it’s been in a while. It came completely out of nowhere. Head down on the bed, body crumbled, gone weak, systems automatically shut-down. Pretty sure it was close to what may be considered as a panic attack.
It is within these moments when I realize how damaged of a human being I can become. My thoughts have always had ways of getting the best of me. Lately, I’ve been lying in bed at night, alone, realizing how real the feeling of solitude is becoming. Throughout time it only thickens, deepens and grows darker. I imagine myself five years from now as if I was to continue living my life to the ways that I have. I become completely nauseated. Encompassed with fear, regret and hopelessness, I wish for everything to just be over with. A quick escape and release.
Last night I understood a new truth. One of the worst pains in this world is knowing you are far off from where you want to be. This is the feeling of defeat. This is the feeling of nothingness. These are the thoughts in which I must embrace and understand fully, in order to discontinue them from entering my life in future times.